


Trying to Hold On

by ImaKaraTabiHe



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Abandonment, Canonical Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Grief/Mourning, Hopeful Ending, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Inspired by Joe Brooks - "Holes Inside", Loneliness, Loss, Past Drug Use, Sad, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-21
Updated: 2017-02-21
Packaged: 2018-09-25 23:55:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9852656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImaKaraTabiHe/pseuds/ImaKaraTabiHe
Summary: Spencer visits his mother's grave and remembers everyone he's lost.  Luckily, he gets a reminder that he's not alone.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Song by Joe Brooks - "Holes Inside"

_When all that you've tried, leaves nothing but holes inside,_  
_It seems like you're wired, to stay here held in time,_  
_Cause nothing seems to change, oh no._  
_No nothing's gonna change, at all._  
_I can see it in your face, the hope has gone away._

Spencer stared down at the tombstone, flowers carved across the border surrounding the image of an open book. His eyes burned and his lower lip trembled. It was hard to forget the recently moved dirt under his shoes.

He could still hear the doctor's voice in his ear, crackling as soon as Spencer had answered the phone. _“We're sorry to inform you that your mother, Diana Reid, passed away last night...”_ The world had stilled eerily. _“...It seems she passed peacefully in her sleep.”_

His friends were there to catch him as soon as the call had ended, his legs weak and useless. He still couldn't believe it as he looked at the evidence in front of him – her name etched in granite.

_Diana Reid -_

_forever loved and never forgotten;_

_a light that shone through the dark_

Spencer missed her so much.  
  
_If you hold tight, shadows will be lost in the light._  
_Oh cause sometimes, fate and your dreams will collide._  
_So don't walk away from me,_  
_Don't walk away from me,_  
_Don't walk away from me._

Nine years old and he could feel the world breaking apart as he watched his mother's mind degrade before his eyes. Spencer's father was hardly ever home anymore.

William had tried to devote his time to caring for his mother, but as his mother got worse, his father started to pull away. Spencer had done his best to pick up the slack, more than a little worried about the evidence piling up in front of him. He cared as best as he could for his mother, holding her hand whenever she wanted.

For his father, Spencer did all the housework and made sure his mother was well cared for. It was hard not to notice how none of it seemed to work though. William gravitated towards the guest room they had, sleeping there at night, hardly setting foot inside the master bedroom he'd shared with his wife.

Nothing ever seemed good enough. Spencer never seemed to be enough.  
  
_Your feet are stuck, no they cannot move,_  
_Don't tell me that they're glued,_  
_They should've far from._  
_At home, at ease but give sometime to breathe_  
_But nothing seems to change, oh no._  
_No nothing's gonna change, at all._  
_I can see it in your face, the hope has gone away._

Reading the letter Gideon had left behind was like watching his father walk away again. His large glasses had rested on his nose as he watched from the upstairs window. His father carried his things in two large bags, everything that mattered to him packed into the duffels with care.

A tear trickled down his cheek as he re-read the letter, words unable to stick in his usually sharp mind. He lifted his hand and brushed the tear away. He found it odd how much bigger his hand was this time, how calloused and worn it was – the hand of an adult compared to the hand of a child.

Gideon was gone, and he wasn't coming back. He was gone, and maybe he'd even leave this world for good.

They were gone.  
  
_But if you hold tight, shadows will be lost in the light._  
_Oh cause sometimes, fate and your dreams will collide._  
_So don't walk away from me,_  
_Don't walk away from me,_  
_Don't walk away from me._

A million thoughts ran through his mind, but he couldn't catch a single one to stick to. There was nothing but chaos as he thought.

Spencer could feel the presence of his friend behind him, warmth invisible but clearly there. “You know,” he said, try to clear his throat of the sob that was trying to rip its way out, “it doesn't feel real.” He knelt down, knee threatening to give. “I keep thinking I'm going to wake up from this nightmare and she'll still be there. I keep thinking I'm going to sit down and start to write her again, tell her how my day went, what weird things I've seen next.”

His fingers bit into his forearms before he reached out and trailed a finger across the cold stone. “'Dear Mother, work was as hard today as it always. You never get used to losing someone,” his voice cracked, “but you always know that nothing is absolute'...”

Tears overflowed as he broke off, unable to continue speaking. His friend's hand found his shoulder, squeezing it gently, reassuringly.

“I'm sorry,” he tried to say, furiously wiping his damp cheeks. “I just- I didn't expect to lose her so soon...” He laughed bitterly. “I'm not sure what I was expecting, actually.”  
  
_But ever_ _yt_ _hing will be ok,_  
_I know that it's so easy to say,_  
_But the pain inside will fade,_  
_Please tell me that you'll stay._

The smell of his boss' cologne was the only thing that cut through the damp smell of the cabin where he'd been drugged and tortured. It was the only thing that chased away the horror that haunted him every single moment.

It was the smell that made him feel safe. Accompanied by the person himself, Spencer felt safe confessing his addiction, telling him how much he was hurting inside. Hotch hadn't judged him for any of it. He'd just held onto Spencer as tightly as the time he'd found him after he'd shot Tobias.

Hotch had held Spencer as Spencer went through Hell detoxing. He couldn't deny how much he hated himself at that moment, blamed himself for the addiction, but he couldn't help feeling like somehow he could do it. With Hotch by his side, encouraging him to get better, helping him to get clean – somehow Spencer found the strength.

It was embarrassing to have his boss and friend see him so low, sick and addicted, but he didn't regret asking for help.  
  
_If we hold tight, shadows will be lost in the light._  
_Oh cause sometimes, fate and your dreams can collide._  
_When all that you've tried, leaves nothing but holes inside._

He did everything he could to get the migraines to go away. Spencer had seen specialists, been to many hospitals, researched everything he could, but nothing had helped.

Until Maeve.

She'd helped him. She made things okay. The migraines had been chased away with a therapy that she'd developed for him, and somehow she'd found a way into his heart, taking root. She understood him, and he felt complete.

He'll never forget how his happiness had been shattered by that phone call, so short but terrifying. Spencer will never be able to forget the horrific red of blood that had stained her pale skin. They'd finally met, and then she was gone.

There was a hole in his heart where she used to be.

Now, he added a hole for his mother next to the ones for Maeve and Gideon. He was an adult, but he felt as weak and hurt as he had when he was a child, watching his mother lose her mind, watching them lose William. He felt as lost and alone as he had when he realized Gideon wasn't ever coming back.

New tears had found their way down his cheeks, and Spencer trembled under the heartache. He'd lost them all.

“Come on,” his friend said, wrapping an arm around Spencer and gently tugging him to his feet. “You need to get some rest.”

Spencer nodded, trying to focus on the here and now. He was supposed to feel hungry, but instead he felt battered and torn. “What do I do now?” he whispered with despair. “I'm all alone.”

A hand brushed his cheek and turned Spencer towards his friend. “No,” his friend said, eyes sad but determined. “You're not alone. I'm here. I'm never going to let you be alone. Never have, never will.”

Spencer smiled slightly, lips twitching at the unusual action.

His friend's arms wrapped around him, pulling him close, and Spencer couldn't help but practically plaster himself against his friend's warm body. “I'm here for you, Spencer. I'm always going to be here for you, no matter what.”

After the embrace, his friend led him away from his mother's grave. His friend let Spencer cling to him as they ate in Spencer's book ridden apartment. Spencer could chuckle when his friend threatened him with hugs if he didn't eat more and get some rest.

“Thank you,” Spencer murmured gently as he laid down in bed, his friend stretched out beside him. His friend smiled at him and ran a hand through Spencer's locks.

“Sleep,” his friend said softly. “I'll be right here when you wake up.”

Despite everything he lost, Spencer fell asleep knowing that he wasn't alone. He'd lost a lot, but he was going to hold on.

**Author's Note:**

> Not even going to lie that I was near tears with this one. I know it's a big change from my usual DC/Marvel works, but I guess everyone has to start somewhere? I've done some ideas but never something like this yet/never a complete work. Hopefully it's likable?
> 
> Anywhos, I hope you have a good week. Get yourself something sweet if you need it after this - I know I do.


End file.
